The way my story starts is not unique. My daughter, who is 3 years old has what seemed to be benign symptoms. Her eye leaked a small amount of clear fluid which we thought was allergy related. All of a sudden she had this huge mass on her neck in the lymph node region. Her pediatrician thought it was a viral infection and would go away on it’s own. He ruled out cancer based on her CBC counts. He did prescribe her a broad spectrum antibiotic just in case it was bacterial. Two weeks later it had not gone away and my daughter was complaining her eye and ear hurt. Back to the doctor we went and this time it was diagnosed as an ear infection and she was given a different antibiotic. He also set up an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor (although he said we may be laughed out of the office for a simple case of swollen lymph nodes). The appointment was set for 3 weeks later. A couple of days later she developed a rash on her body so back to the doctor we went. This time we saw a different doctor who believed the rash to be a viral infection. However, he got us in to see an ENT doctor the very next day. The ENT believed it to be a case of cat scratch fever but also ordered a battery of tests including a CT scan. The doctor called me within 30 minutes of the scan and told me it was worse than she thought and she was coming to talk to us. She pulled up the scan and explained it was a tumor and it was cancer but we needed more tests to determine what kind of cancer and a treatment plan. Those moments are forever etched in my memory. Those minutes will define the rest of my life as well as my daughters. Those words will rip the rug of your normal life right from under you until you don’t even know what is normal anymore. She was admitted to the hospital and a serious of tests began including a biopsy, a placement of a port to deliver chemo, and a bone barrow aspiration. Around 5 hours after her surgeries began she went to recovery. She was kept in the hospital for days waiting for the final diagnosis. It was more bleak than we even imagined. She has stage 4 Rhabdomyosarcoma, also known as RMS, which has spread to her lungs, bone marrow as well as the bone in her arm and pelvis. Her prognosis is extremely bleak. As the words you never want to hear piled up higher and higher we thought it really couldn’t get much worse. Boy were we wrong! We found out if she does make it through treatment she will never be able to have children. The radiation therapy will affect her eye up to a total loss of it. The radiation will be 5 days a week for 5-6 weeks. As she is only 3 years old she has to be put to sleep for each CT, MRI, radiation treatment.
She started chemo a few days later. Of course her protocol is extremely aggressive so we don’t get a lot of days off from it. Her appetite had already been affected by the cancer prior to starting chemo and was made worse by the medicines. We finally got to a point we thought we were going to get a break from the hospital only to end up back in the ER 2 days later with a high fever and diarrhea along with dehydration and low blood counts. Her course of treatment is scheduled to last 51 weeks so we are still very early in this journey which will lead to unknown places.
I am circling through heartbreak, anger, grief, and back again.
The words “your child has cancer” means your hopes and dreams for your child’s present and future are a thing of the past. She can no longer go to the potty and must now use diapers. She now can’t go to the dance classes you promised her because of fear of her getting sick. She can’t run or climb anymore due to the cancer in her pelvis and side effects of the medication. She doesn’t eat anymore. She begs to not have to go to the doctor anymore. She complains of her tummy hurting and there is nothing you can do to ease that pain. You suddenly realize she may never go to school, drive a car, or have a date. Now your hopes and dreams are that she makes it through the treatment with the least amount of suffering possible.
I ordered a few adult toys a couple of months ago and have started working my way through them to see what I love and what I less than love. One item was missing from my order and has been on back-order for literally 3 months! Expandable nipple clamps! I wanted to try these because I have large nipples and I don’t believe the one size fits all type will fit me – at all. The package finally arrived and I am so excited to try them! My only disappointment is I have a rehearsal tonight and wedding to attend tomorrow so the exploration will have to wait. Maybe the anticipation will heighten the experience!
My sexual escapades have taken a back seat this week. Instead of playing and having fun, we’ve been working, going to dentist appointments, running around borrowing guns and trying to find ammo for our concealed carry class yesterday and arranging childcare for our daughter. Whew! The week went by in the blink of an eye it seems! The concealed carry class was great except having to shoot in the wind and rain. Our targets were blowing in the wind – literally. The class was eight hours plus range time which makes for a very long day to say the least. I learned a lot about our state laws concerning concealed and open carry though. I also received my certificate to apply for my permit so all in all totally worth it! I used a Beretta 22 caliber for my test and I am in love with this gun. It is a really user friendly semi-automatic handgun. The clip I used for ammo has this very useful spring to help load the ammo making it easy even for a petite lady to use. The spring handle on the clip makes certain you will never load the clip backwards! For avid shooters, this may seem trivial. However, for novices such as myself it is a great safely feature lol. The gun shoots very smooth and has very very little kick – of course it is a 22 caliber so there shouldn’t be much kick anyway. The clip slides out easily with the push of a button when you’re done and the slide stays open. You can close it then when you load another clip, you slide it back and it loads the next bullet. I really really like this gun and am extremely proficient with it. Yesterday was my 5th time shooting in my entire life and all of my shots were in the 9 ring or better – even in the rain and wind. The only problem is it is a bit bulky. I think I’m going to purchase this gun for open carry but for concealed carry I need to find something smaller. Ideas? Suggestions?
I was eager to try more anal play but my boyfriend and I were slightly annoyed with each other. I’ve always been the one who wanted to be blindfolded or tied up and it really didn’t occur to me to flip the script until that night. I told him to follow me, sat him down on the couch and put a blindfold on him. I gathered a small array of supplies – my new mini suede flogger, satin gloves, a warming lube, some anal lube and the tiny butt plug which is my new fave toy. I teased him first with my bare hands, running them over his body. Then I put on the gloves and alternated stroking him with the satin and kissing various body parts. I went down on him for a few seconds, then stroked him with the flogger. I wasn’t really sure how he would react to that since we haven’t used that type of toy before. He seemed to be OK with it, so I gently smacked his upper thigh with it. He seemed to enjoy it so I did it a few more times. I put a few drops of the warming lubes on his cock then went down on him until he almost climaxed. Then I stopped and left him sitting there wile I lubed up the anal plug and inserted it into myself. I climbed on top of him and put his hardness into myself. I started riding him and all of a sudden the anal plug plopped right onto the ground. I ignored it and rode him until he climaxed. It was very interesting to be the one in control instead of being the one controlled. Afterwards, we were talking and he admitted he had never been blindfolded before. I was in utter shock. He said he had always been the one to blindfold other people and he wasn’t sure why he had never been on the receiving end previously. He also said he really liked it! I was in awe and honored to be the first and only one to blindfold him. We will have to do that more often!
We decided to follow through on trying sex with the super small butt plug in place. We went about it a little different this time, warming up with an oral orgasm followed by vaginal sex first. We also tried a new lube – one specifically designed for anal sex. There was no burning this time! He was already inside me when he slipped the plug in so there was no discomfort of him trying to enter with it already in place. It was very different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I could feel the fullness in my anus and him going in and out and I can’t really describe in words the sensation. Apparently, the base of the plug hit him in the right spot because he reached orgasm super quick. While it was enjoyable to me, but sadly I didn’t get a second “O”. Afterwards, we were discussing the experience and he said it hit him in the perfect spot and he wasn’t used to that sensation. So, we found a great plug and a great lube and that made all the difference!
My boyfriend has been hinting for a few months now that he wanted to try anal sex with me. My experience with anal sex was with an ex-bf who “oops wrong holed” me once and it hurt like crazy. Since said time, my answer has been a resounding hell no on the rare occasions the subject has arisen. I finally decided to have a conversation with my boyfriend and explained my fear. He was understanding and the subject dropped. Or so I thought. To my surprise, I started thinking about it more and more and decided to do some research into the subject. Everything I read said the same things – anal sex should NOT hurt, use lots of lube, go very slow. I told my boyfriend I would consider getting some small toys and see how it goes before I commit to anything. One night after a few too many rum and cokes he used lubed up his finger and slid it in. It actually took me a little by surprise and it kept burning. I went back to research again and found the same info – anal sex should NOT hurt, use lots of lube, go very slow. I told him the next day that it burned and if that burned there was no way anything as big as him was going in there! He thought maybe it was tobacco residue on his finger that burned but I suspected it was a combination of surprise and the lube we were using which was highly disappointing since it is an organic lube! I decided to order a few super small butt plug toys as well as some anal lube before completely giving up on the idea. A few days later the package arrived and after our daughter went to sleep, we decided to try the smallest one. After warming up with oral and some vaginal penetration he lubed the super small butt plug up and slowly started to insert it. It was the strangest feeling – really indescribable. Slowly, slowly slowly he started to put it in and out a little at a time. After a few minutes the in and out started to feel better and better and he started to go a little faster, and a little faster. I had been using an egg vibe on my clit but it just wasn’t doing it for me. So, I grabbed my rabbit vibe and it wouldn’t go in! The plug apparently was making me tighter than usual which I didn’t think of previously. After about two minutes, I had an amazing orgasm. Afterwards, I told my boyfriend we should have sex with the plug all the way in since it would make me a little tighter and he eagerly agreed. To be continued……
For a long time I’ve been a mild submissive in bed without realizing what it was called. I read the Story of O many years ago and would be so aroused by what I was reading. I started amassing sex toys of various nature as well as different types of porn and engaged in sex without abandon. Sadly I was unable to have an orgasm via sex but could via oral sex or certain toys. At the time I also didn’t realize that was pretty normal for a woman. I also didn’t realize some of my toys could possibly be harmful to my health based on the material of the item. When I met my current boyfriend we had the best sex of my life – there was something amazing about us together! I had my first orgasm via sex and couldn’t believe it! Life intervened and we separated for a few years. He got back in touch with me randomly six years ago and we started dating. Our sex life is simply amazing and needless to say I haven’t looked back. I’ve always liked him to blindfold me or restrain me with his hands, cuffs, under the bed restraint system, etc. Recently we have started exploring other things and I plan to write about those here as well as give my honest opinions about toys we are trying. Enjoy!